Atheism is no Joke
Atheism is a non-prophet
By night an atheist half believes in God.
Edward young, Night
Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were
A little philosophy inclineth man's mind to
atheism, but depth in philosophy bringeth men's minds about to religion.
How can you tell if an atheist lives in your
You find a copy of The God Delusion hidden in the cream cheese.
Why did the atheist cross the
He thought there might be a sidewalk on the other
side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
How many atheists does it take to change a light
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the
other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that God did it.
An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction,
takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes,
Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the
atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his
fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third
wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for
a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because
you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”
A minister, a priest, a rabbi, and an atheist
meet in a bar at 10:00 a.m. The bartender asks the minister what he’ll have, and the minister orders a martini.
The priest also orders a martini, as does the rabbi. When the bartender asks the atheist what he wants, the
atheist says he'd like a cup of coffee. “Why aren’t you having a martini like those guys?” asks the bartender.
“Oh,” says the atheist, “I don’t believe in martinis before lunch.”
Why does an atheist wear red
To keep his pants from being taken up to heaven
during the rapture.
A religious women upon waking up each morning
would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise be to God.” This infuriated her atheist
neighbour who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no God.” One morning the atheist neighbour
overheard his neighbour praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of
groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady exclaimed, “Praise be to God, who gave me this
food.” The neighbour laughing so hard he could barely get the words out yelled “It wasn’t God, it was me.” The
lady: “Praise be to God for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!”
A Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in
Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak. The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Lord, if you save me, I
promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.” The Catholic
looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my
days singing your praises.” The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll
swim to Cleveland.” “And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask. “Well,” says
the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other
An atheist goes to a Christian psychiatrist, who
hands her an inkblot and says, “Tell me what you see.” The atheist says, “I see Jesus on the cross.” The
psychiatrist hands her a second inkblot, and says, “Now tell me what you see.” The atheist says, “I still see
Jesus on the cross.” The psychiatrist hands her a third inkblot, and says, “What do you see now?” The atheist
says, “It’s Jesus on the cross again.” The psychiatrist says, “Hmmm. Obviously you’ve got Jesus on the brain.”
The atheist replies, “Me? I only read the captions you wrote.”
Fervid atheism is usually a screen for repressed
Wilhelm Stekel, Autobiography
Ok, fair is fair, a searching
"fundamentalist"-joke to compensate for the feelings of my atheist friends
(if I have any left...):
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an
equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed,
they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When
they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were
impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were
so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The
friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This
stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks. "Well," they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearl y pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog
jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.