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Benno Zuiddam

 

Atheism is no Joke  

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

 

By night an atheist half believes in God.

Edward young, Night Thoughts

 

Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup? 

Waiter: Praying. 

Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back. 

Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered. 

 

A little philosophy inclineth man's mind to atheism, but depth in philosophy bringeth men's minds about to religion.

Francis Bacon, Essays

 

How can you tell if an atheist lives in your refrigerator? 

You find a copy of The God Delusion hidden in the cream cheese. 

 

 

Why did the atheist cross the road? 

He thought there might be a sidewalk on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis. 

 

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? 

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that God did it. 

 

An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.” 

 

A minister, a priest, a rabbi, and an atheist meet in a bar at 10:00 a.m. The bartender asks the minister what he’ll have, and the minister orders a martini. The priest also orders a martini, as does the rabbi. When the bartender asks the atheist what he wants, the atheist says he'd like a cup of coffee. “Why aren’t you having a martini like those guys?” asks the bartender. “Oh,” says the atheist, “I don’t believe in martinis before lunch.” 

 

Why does an atheist wear red suspenders? 

To keep his pants from being taken up to heaven during the rapture. 

 

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise be to God.” This infuriated her atheist neighbour who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no God.” One morning the atheist neighbour overheard his neighbour praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady exclaimed, “Praise be to God, who gave me this food.” The neighbour laughing so hard he could barely get the words out yelled “It wasn’t God, it was me.” The lady: “Praise be to God for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!”  

 

A Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak. The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Lord, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.” The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises.” The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland.” “And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask. “Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists.” 

 

An atheist goes to a Christian psychiatrist, who hands her an inkblot and says, “Tell me what you see.” The atheist says, “I see Jesus on the cross.” The psychiatrist hands her a second inkblot, and says, “Now tell me what you see.” The atheist says, “I still see Jesus on the cross.” The psychiatrist hands her a third inkblot, and says, “What do you see now?” The atheist says, “It’s Jesus on the cross again.” The psychiatrist says, “Hmmm. Obviously you’ve got Jesus on the brain.” The atheist replies, “Me? I only read the captions you wrote.” 

 

Fervid atheism is usually a screen for repressed religion.

Wilhelm Stekel, Autobiography

 

Ok, fair is fair, a searching "fundamentalist"-joke to compensate for the feelings of my atheist friends (if I have any left...):

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks. "Well," they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearl y pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

 

 

 

 

Prof. Dr. Benno A. Zuiddam