My Study       
Benno Zuiddam

 

First woman: How do you keep your youth?  

Second woman: I lock him in the wardrobe. 

 Doctor, doctor!

Doctor, doctor! 

I cannot pronounce my f’s, t’s or h’s. 

Doctor: Well, you can’t say fairer than that. 

 

I keep thinking I am a pack of cards. 

Doctor: I will deal with you later. 

 

I think I am shrinking! 

Doctor: You will just have to be a little patient. 

 

I think I am a pair of curtains. 

Doctor: Well, pull yourself together. 

 

I keep thinking I am a bridge. 

Doctor: What has come over you? 

 

Odd drink 

A man walked in a pub and ordered six whiskies. Lining them up on the bar, he downed the first, third and finally the fifth glass. Excuse me, asked the bartender, but you have left three of the whiskies untouched. Yes, said the man, my doctor told me it was all right to take the odd drink. 

 

 

Blonde wife

Husband: this is the third time that I have had to replace the clutch on this car. 

Wife: well, don’t blame me; I never use it. 

 

Quotable quotes 

“There are two classes of pedestrians in these days of reckless motor traffic: the quick and the dead.”

Lord Dewar 

 

“I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets”

Dave Edison 

 

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Groucho Marx 

 

War does not determine who is right, but who is left. Anon. 

 

In the army now

A soldier on sentry duty fell asleep while he was standing up, and woke to find his commanding officer standing in front of him, looking furious. With great presence of mind, the soldier said: Amen. 

 

The old officer was once again telling his story in the Naval Club: worst thing that happened to me was during the war in the Pacific. My troopship was torpedoed and I had to live on a tin of beans for a fortnight.  Can you believe that, exclaimed an awestruck listener. How on earth did you manage to stay on?  

 

A war correspondent visiting Afghanistan for a second time noted that, since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality. No, the man replied, landmines. 

 

Representatives of the army, the navy and the air force were called upon to speak at a dinner. Proud of their traditions, the army and the navy kept referring to the air force as the Cinderella of the forces. When it was the turn of the air force representative to speak, he began: I know very little about Cinderella, except that she had two ugly sisters. 

 

 

Police jokes

Policeman: I am going to have to lock you up for the night. 

Suspect: on what charge? 

Policeman: There is no charge, it’s all part of the service. 

 

A policewoman stopped a car and found that the driver had been drinking. She told him to get out of the vehicle. You are staggering, she said, when he did. You’re not so bad yourself, replied the driver. 

 

Legal Rip-offs

Client: Can you tell me what your fees are? 

Lawyer: Certainly, I charge $350,- to answer three questions. 

Client: That’s a bit steep now, isn’t it? 

Lawyer: Yes, now what is your final question? 

 

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 

How many can you afford? 

 

”I am a criminal lawyer.” 

Thanks so much for being frank. 

 

The game of the gods... 

The crowds were gathering on Mount Olympus to watch a football match between the gods and mortals. As the teams ran out on to the pitch, the manager of the mortals asked the captain of the gods: Who is that character that is half human and half horse? Oh, he is our centaur forward… 

 

Theological insight 

Cricket is a game, which the British, not being a spiritual people, had to invent in order to have some concept of eternity.  

Lord Mancroft 

 

Theologically incorrect joke:  

St Peter halted a man at the gates of heaven. You have told far too many lies to be admitted here, he said gloomily. Have a heart, replied the man, you were a fisherman yourself. 

 

Modern 'art' 

Painter: So tell me, what is your opinion of my painting? 

Critic: It’s worthless. 

Painter: I know, but I would like to hear it anyway. 

 

Memory aid

A couple were returning to their cinema seats after a trip to the confectionary counter. Did I step on your toes on the way out?, the husband asked the man at the end of the row.

You most certainly did, sir!, the man responded angrily.

All right, said the husband to his wife, this is our row. 

 

Musical terms 

Jazz: five men on the same stage playing different tunes. 

Blues: played exclusively by people who woke up this morning. 

Opera: people singing when they should be talking. 

Rap: people talking when they should be singing. 

 

 

On a modern poet: 

“He regularly tortured the English language, but had not yet succeeded in forcing it to reveal its meaning.” Beachcomber 

 

Political humour 

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder at school so I could converse with those people. Dan Quayle 

 

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? George W Bush 

 

I have given orders to be awakened at any time in the case of a national emergency, even if I am in a cabinet meeting.

Ronald Reagan 

 

It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or the other.  George W Bush 

 

 

To the zoo

A little boy pestered his father into taking him to the zoo. So, how was it? asked his mother on their return.

It was great, replied the boy. And daddy liked it too, especially when one animal came racing home at thirty to one! 

 

With thanks to Laughter is the best Medicine, Reader's Digest

 

 

Prof. Dr. Benno A. Zuiddam