My Study       
Benno Zuiddam

 

Points to ponder... 

How to please the Queen, while you write:

 

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalise.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19. The passive voice is to be ignored.

20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

29. Who needs rhetorical questions?

30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And the last one...

31.Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

    Blonde Jokes

      • Calorie!

        Three blondes were having a picnic in the park. One of them took out a can of "one-calorie" diet cola and poured it equally into three cups.

        She drank hers and the second one did the same but the third blonde just stared at her cup suspiciously.

        "I wonder who got the calorie?" she asked.

      • Don’t sell to blondes!

        A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

        She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

        "He must have recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time: haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses; then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

        Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed. "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

        "Because that's a microwave oven," he replied.

      • Cheers to three days!

        Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 3 days!"

        Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 3 days?"

        Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 3 days!"

      • Mutilated Pirate

        A pirate was talking to a land rot in a bar. This pirate had a peg leg and a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.

        "How did you loose your leg?"

        "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of port Royal!"

        "What about you hand; did you loose it at the same time?"

        "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

        Finally, the land rot asked,

        "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?

        The pirate answered,

        "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

        "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

        "It was the day after I got me hook!"

      • Bet you blonde!

        In Las Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the soda cans.

        Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

        The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning??"

      • Scary stuff!

        The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

        The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

        Outback Neighbours

        A successful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch somewhere in the Outback. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of a jute outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man driving up to his shack. "Hold it friend" the man says, " I'm your neighbour, I have a homestead only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing,drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time". Not wanting to be un-neighbourly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks "How should I dress?"

        "Crocky, don't matter" replied the neighbour, " Only going to be the two of us".

      • Dead bird

        One day, a blonde and a brunette were walking on the sidewalk when the brunette stopped and exclaimed "Look! a dead bird!" The blonde immediately looked up and said "Where? Where?"

      • Outlook express

        A man was in his front yard mowing the lawn when his blonde neighbour came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house.

        A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

        As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

        Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

        "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."

      • Oops

        Minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.

        "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

        "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

        The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

      • Now you are talking!

        The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

        The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.

        The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

        But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

        When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"

         



      For laughing out loud

      • Euphemisms

        I am a nutritional overachiever

        My inferiority complex is not as good as yours

        I am having an out of money experience

        I am in shape. Round is a shape

        Practice safe eating - always use condiments

        A day without sunshine is like night

        I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad,
        I take something for it

        If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws

         

         

        Crock on the move

         

        A local guide was leading a town yuppie through the swamps of Queensland, Australia. "Is it true that a crock won't attack you at night if you carry a flashlight?"

        The guide replied, "Well, all depends on how fast ye ’d carry the flashlight."

         

         

         

      • Beastly Convincing

        A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina.

        A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.

        "Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs.

        Twice the number there is in the jury box."

         

         

      • Signs Your Pastor Needs a Vacation

        7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "All right, listen up you heathens..."

        6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

        5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.

        4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"

        3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

        2. You go to his office for counselling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."

        1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

         

         

      • Predictable

        While studying the occult, a teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"

        His response was, "My mother can."

        The teacher replied, "Really?"

        The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

         

        "I'm looking for a loophole."

        - W.C. Fields, who had been flipping through the Bible on his deathbed, 1946

         

         

         

      • Dream boy

        The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

         

        "I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in." - Mick Miller

         

         

         

      • General Motors versus Microsoft

         

        At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the

        computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with

        technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars

        that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

         

        In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release

        stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be

        driving cars with the following characteristics:

         

        1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

        2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to

        buy a new car.

        3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You

        would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off

        the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For

        some reason you would simply accept this.

        4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your

        car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the

        engine.

        5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,

        five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five

        percent of the roads.

        6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be

        replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning

        light.

        7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

        8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and

        refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the

        key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

        9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn

        how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in

        the same manner as the old car.

        10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

         

         

      • Waiting for waiter

        Max Greenberg was at his favourite eatery, the Second Avenue Deli, when he called over the waiter.

        "Yes?" asked the busy waiter.

        "Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?" asked Max.

        "Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.

        Max replied, "Because I was expecting he would be a much older man by now."

         

         

      • Base

        When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let him move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get him to the breakfast table. Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream his name. Now all I had to do was flick the basement light off and on, and he was here.

        One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened. I did it several more times.

        "I'm on my way," my son called up. "You didn't have to yell."

         

         

      • Goodbye

        Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?

        Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.

        Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.

        Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.

         

         

      • Operator!

        A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again but had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."

        At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."

        The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"

        "Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.

        The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."

        The father says, "Oh, good. You send him the money!"

         

         

      • Neighbours

        A woman was worried about an elderly woman who lived in the apartment next door. She hadn’t heard a thing from her for a few days.

        So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Hyacinth is."

        Little minutes later, the boy returns.

        "Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.

        "She's fine, but she's a little annoyed with you," he says.

        "Mad at me? What for?"

        "Well," says her son, "Mrs. Hyacinth told me it's none of your business how old she is."

         

         

      • Healthy stuff

        I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "No I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?" "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

        He looked at me and said, "Then why on earth do you want to live to be 80?"

         

         

      • Practical theology?

        During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"

        The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.

        The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"

        The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

        The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

        The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.

        The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.

        The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"

        The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"

        The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.

        The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.

        The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

        The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

         

         

         

      • Paranoid?

        A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.

        "It seems everyone is out to get me lately. How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.

        The police officer pointed sombrely toward the sky.

        "You mean," asked the motorist, "that I'm not just being paranoid? Even He is trying to get me?"

         

         

      • Rattling

        A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

        He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.

        The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

        As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

        He began to trot toward the bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

        Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it, and were all drowned.

        The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?"

        "No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician?"

         

         

      • Shattered dreams

        A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

        His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

        He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

        "The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

        "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

        "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."

         

         

      • Appreciated

        A famous author was autographing copies of his new novel in a Cleveland department store. One rich looking gentleman pleased him by bringing up not only his new book for signature, but reprint editions of his two previous ones as well. "My wife likes your stuff," he remarked apologetically, "I thought I'd give her these autographed copies for a birthday present." "A surprise, eh?" hazarded the author. "I'll say," agreed the customer. "She's expecting a Cadillac."

         

         

      • Money in the States

        A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

        "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

        At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

         

         

      • Inflation

        A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

        Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."

        "OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef' ..."

         

         

         

      • Trouble ahead?

        Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

         

         

      • Responses to questions on 5th and 6th grade science tests:

        - There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

        - Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

        - Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

        - The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

        - Water vapours get together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

        - Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.

        - Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

        - A monsoon is a French gentleman.

        - The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

        - To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

        - When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

        - For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

        - Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

        - One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

         

         

      • Proper wages

        A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent a social security agent to interview him.

        "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

        "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus room and board."

        "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

        "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

        "Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to TALK to that man!"

        "You're talking to him now," said the farmer.

         

         

      •  

        Thanks Pastor Tim: http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

         

         

         

       

      Prof. Dr. Benno A. Zuiddam