Mother's Wisdom
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on
braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still
could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off
the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you
just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you
do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing
money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew."
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man...
Dum Gai
Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu
I am the cigar
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to
his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the
defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical
behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He
might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you
shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of
the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his
lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the
lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the
judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
Watch It
Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando.
"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and
watch your step.
"If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your
language. Thank you."
Landing
A student pilot had a less-than-perfect landing, and the instructor
had a less-than-tolerant attitude about such mistakes. As they
taxied off the runway, the instructor was reading him the riot act
about the student's lack of finesse.
The student finally retorted, "Think about it; I navigated through a
boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling
around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour.
This entire system is moving in a circular motion around a black
hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is
expanding so fast it causes a shift in the color of light. And I
bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! Get off my back, man!"
No Countdown
I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a
conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I
boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the
security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched
the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out
the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches.
Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.
"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment.
"It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I
took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how
it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone
breathed a sigh of relief.
As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it
didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?'"
(By Thomas S. Ellsworth.)
Attention
Pastor Roger Matthews tells the following story:
We were traveling one summer in the Pocono Mountains and, like a
good Presbyterian family, attended church while we were on vacation.
One lazy Sunday we found our way to a little Methodist Church. It
was a hot day and the folks were nearly out in the pews. The
preacher was preaching on and on until, all of a sudden, he said,
"The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another
man's wife."
The congregation let out a gasp, came to immediate attention, and
the dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymnbook. Then the
preacher said, "It was my mother."
The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as
the sermon concluded. I filed this trick away in my memory, a great
way to get the congregation's attention back when it has been lost.
Sure enough, the next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and
the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and
lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them.
Then I remembered our experience in the Pocono Mountains, and I said
in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have been spent in
the arms of another man's wife."
Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back
row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front
of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came
next. All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I
can't remember her name!"
Top ten signs your Amish teen is in trouble:
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't
listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of
cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
Colours
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided
to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I
continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think
you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
Happy
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The
church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying
lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a
loud voice, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you...
Desert Storm
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got
to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all
the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio
headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the
bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe
it!
Cross-eyed Bear
A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned
a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while
before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear!"
Beauty
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday
School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made
ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned."
Golf
Friend of mine named Dan hates to lose at golf. He was in a
foursome when his ball landed in a sand trap.
Hidden from view, the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at
the ball.
When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him how many
strokes that was.
"Three." he replied.
"Oh come on !" said another member of the group. "I heard six."
"Three..." replied Dan "were echoes."
Just a Thought
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to
them.
I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting
path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to
it.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take
something
for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have
in-laws.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges,
but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make
you
gain five pounds.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing
at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at
the
tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy
beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live
forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes
alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old
because
you stopped laughing.
Irish Courage
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to
invade
next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Paddy
down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that
we
are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news!
Tell
me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said
Paddy
after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean,
my
next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the
pub
-- that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men
in
my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein,
the
war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And
what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and
Murphy's
tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
16
thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my
army
has increased to 1 and a half million since we last
spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein,
the
war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We've
modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the
cockpit
and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you
Paddy
that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack
planes,
my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided
surface-to-air
missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to
2
million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you
back.
"Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein,
I
am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the
war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change
of
heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we
can
feed 2 million prisoners."
Two Sides
My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before
school
that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us
the
teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My
wife
frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing
usable
but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one
side.
She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off
her
shirt.
On one side it said, "Families are Forever."
And on the other... "Be Smart, Don't Start."
Computer Troubles
Here are some conversations which had actually happened
between
help desk people and their customers:
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone
line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our
service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right
now.
You need to--"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just
have
to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right
now
because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
-=+=-
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it
says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery
disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No."
-=+=-
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "Years of training..."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
-=+=-
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the
Server
or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as
a
server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case
sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User
ID'
field?"
Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the
grocery
store."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."
-=+=-
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want
a
database!"
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
-=+=-
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."
-=+=-
Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same
time?"
More Troubles
Here are some more conversations which had actually happened between
help
desk people and their customers:
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy
inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel
inside."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open
24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
-=+=-
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in
it."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'."
-=+=-
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am
still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to
work?"
Lasting Value
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a
$20
bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20
bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first,
let
me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He
then
asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the
air.
"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on
the
ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He
picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants
it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No
matter
what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did
not
decrease in value. It was still worth $20."
"Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground
into
the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that
come
our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter
what
has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your
value:
dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still
priceless
to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what
we
do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special -
Don't
ever forget it. Count your Blessings, not your problems."
Significance
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister
asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's
insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you
an
example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of
liars,' but
instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it
go."
Pressing Questions
What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a
fireplace?
Krisp Kringle
Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the
most?
"Rude"olph
What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet
What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet
What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas
What does Santa like to eat?
A jolly roll
Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen
What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH OH NO!
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe
How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid.
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a
chimney?
Santa Claus-trophobia
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claus
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
Logic
Why is 6 afraid of
7?
Because
789.
Hearty
Breakfast
My friend drowned in a bowl
of muesli – a strong currant pulled him in.
Blonde Mechanics:
What is a 710?
A few days ago I was having
some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each
other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the
little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not
know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a
piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the
middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710
on this car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of
course, its right there.'
If you're not sure what a
710 scroll down Are you ready for this???
Can't back down
now!
You
ask for it!
Click here to
see
Which is your
Puppy?
Two blondes went to the
pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got
home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them
apart?"
This lead to several hours
of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my
puppy and a blue bow around yours."
The next day the first
blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose...
they've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."
"OK, we need to find a
better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came
up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.
Again, the next day, the
first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is
whose... they've pulled their collars off while they were playing." "There's got to be some way to tell them
apart," says the second blonde.
After several more hours of
concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black
one and I'll take the white one!"
Afraid
One summer evening during a
violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when
he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him
a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken
at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big
sissy."
Shall
we?
A preacher was completing a
temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw
it into the river."
With even greater emphasis
he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river."
And then finally, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat
down.
The song leader then stood
very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather
at the River."
Dangerous
Grandmother
An elderly lady did her
shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped
her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun
and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car you
dirty rotten scoundrels!"
The four men didn't wait
for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load
her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she
could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes
later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and
drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she
told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where
four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5'
tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were
filed.
(Told as true
story!)
Theologically
incorrect joke
On their way to a justice
of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves
sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they
could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up
and they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't
know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited
for an answer...for a couple of months... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in
Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?"
they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after
yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the
couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple,
"but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced,
slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the
frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter
shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to
find a lawyer?"
Court Room
Woes
Things people actually said
in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of
birth?
A: July
fifteenth.
Q: What
year?
A: Every
year.
Q: What gear were you in at
the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and
Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia
gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it
affect your memory?
A: I
forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give
us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must
be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son-the
one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or
thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived
with you?
A: Forty-five
years.
Q: What was the first thing
your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I
Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset
you?
A: My name is
Susan.
Q: And where was the
location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost
499.
Q: And where is milepost
499?
A: Probably between
milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your
IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty
well I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn
or anything?
A: After the
accident?
Q: Before the
accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for
ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your
daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both
do.
Q:
Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You
do?
A: Yes,
voodoo.
Difficult
A police recruit was asked
during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for
backup."
Flying
Trouble
A dentist, a nurse and an
army general are flying.
The dentist decides to drop
a tooth brush out of the plane.
The nurse drops down a
medical kit;
and the army general drops
a bomb.
They land the airplane and
see what happened...
First they found a guy
cleaning his false teeth.
Next they found a guy
bandaging his wounds.
Lastly they found a young
boy laughing his head off.
They asked him what
happened and he said, "My grandfather farted and blew up his house."
Archaeological
dig
A little boy found a bible
so old it was covered in 12 inches of dust. The little boy scooped away the dust and then slowly opened the
ancient bible.
As he opened the bible he
noticed a leaf. He quickly ran to his mom and said, "Look what I found mom!"
The mom asked, "What is
it"?
"I think it's Adams
underwear", replied the boy.
Signs of the
Times
-Plumber:
"We repair what your husband Fixed."
-Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
-At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
-Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
-Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
-At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
-Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
-On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
-In a Non-smoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
-At an Optometrists Office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right
place."
-On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
-In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
-On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."
-On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
-At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
-Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
-Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
-On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
-In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
-At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you
don't you will be."
On the door of a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."
-In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
-In a counsellor’s office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
Haircut
A man and a little boy
entered a barbershop together.
After the man received
the full treatment - shave, shampoo,
manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going
to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back
in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't
returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all
about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by
the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED
MURDER
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her
in-laws
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and
with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her
head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open,
and she
looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
that
she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
brains in
for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were
locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on
the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from
the
heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad
of dough
hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out
what it
was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially
passed
out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over
an hour
until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde…
The actual Associated Press headline read:
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED
FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
Not allowed
An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words
I
don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is
cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are
the
words?"
Wisdom in golf?…
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are
those
in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends,
play
eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of
poor
players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once
before
swinging, and once again after swinging.
Have you also heard about that restaurant in Paris, which is now
selling lunchbags? They call it the Lunchbag of Notre Dame.
